A Dull Solution

A 14-year-old high school student near Charleston, South Carolina, has been expelled for bringing a butter spatula to campus.

You heard me right… a butter spatula.

It was an accident, and there was obviously no intent to harm. The only reason she is out of class is a linguistic prejudice in our society that refuses to recognize “butter spatulae” by their proper title. Instead, the item was classified as the rather vulgar “butter knife.” And of course, if you bring a knife to campus, the Zero Tolerance Policy kicks in.

I don’t know the Amber Dauge. I don’t know anyone involved in this case. I have no dog in this hunt. But I’ve had it with this ridiculous bias against butter spatulae.

Spread the news

I did a Google Image Search for “Butter Spatula,” and found on the very first hit the above picture from the Futters Nut Butters website. Even with that oh-so-scary serrated edge, the item is clearly sold as a “nut butter spatula spreader.” The word “knife” never appears on the page.

Call me crazy (and Baradell, I’m counting on you to do it,) but if enough of us use our SEO optimization skills, we can make “butter spatula” the preferred term. After all, when was the last time you had to “cut butter?” (Very different than cutting the cheese, Scott.) The activity of slathering butter (or its margarine/oleo dopplegangers) on an edible surface is more akin to the smoothing and spreading motion one would accomplish with a spatula. The utility of a typical spatula is graded not on in terms of its sharpness, but rather the surface area it can smooth at one time.

The Right Tool for the Right Job

For once, let’s call a thing what it is. If enough of us agree, future children will be off the hook for stupid inconsistencies of language. And it will save us the trouble of arresting the lunchroom staff, members of which I am certain have not been buttering their biscuits with their hands.

Please register in the comments below, and together we can make our schools once again safe for the even distribution of spreads of all kinds.

[tags]Ike Pigott, Occam’s RazR, Amber Dauge, language, zero tolerance, utensils, SEO, anchor text wars[/tags]