Terrorized by a Seven-year-old

Seven-year-olds have a way about them.

They’re just starting to get a sense of self-awareness — the realization they’re part of something larger.

They play nice with others only to the extent they have to. Bullies only remain bullies when they are significantly larger than any of the other kids on the block. If there’s no one around to bloody their noses, the largest of the seven-year-olds rule the playground — and they can make up their own rules as they go.

Seven-year-olds, as a rule, have very little natural skills with customer service.

(I’m talking about your baby, Mark Z. Your offspring is King of the Mountain, but doesn’t have good people skills.)

Listen to: Terrorized by a Seven-year-old

Opacity of Service

I'm THIS many!

At times, it seems like Facebook, Google and Twitter get into a contest to see who can be the least responsive to customers. All provide free services, so you can assume you are indeed getting what you’re paying for. Google is notorious for pointing users to long-abandoned Google Groups, where you can sift through a dozen threads’ worth of people who have had the same problem you’re having now, and aren’t any closer to a solution. The reassurance that you’re not alone isn’t enough, however. But with Google, we know that we’re not talking with real humans anyway.

A few months ago I sent an email to Facebook. I was trying to claim a page for my employer, Alabama Power. As a duly authorized member of our corporate communications team, I identified myself from a company email address, and made the case for this auto-generated Community Page to be turned over to our department. I gave them all the information they asked for.

Today, I got a reply. It didn’t come to my work address (which is linked to my Facebook account), but instead to my personal Gmail account. (I never send email from my Gmail account. It is a backup, and collects my Facebook notifications.)

Here is the email I got back, some months later:

Unfortunately, after further review, you did not meet the requirements to take over the Page in question. At this time we will not be able to provide you admin rights to this Page. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

For more information about this feature, as well as answers to frequently asked questions, please visit Facebook’s Help Center by clicking the link below:

http://www.facebook.com/help/?page=175

Disengagement, Disenfranchisement

Clearly, I have unresolved issues. And the page Facebook wants me to use to find those answers is fairly vanilla and decidedly unhelpful.

Facebook has clearly written me off, but has not empowered me (or my employer) with a means for re-applying.

1. I did not meet the requirements.
   Which ones, exactly? It’s not as though I was applying blindly, and just hoping to sneak one over on them.
2. No contact until now.
   How exactly did Facebook’s over-worked support team come to that conclusion? They didn’t call me. They didn’t email me, even though they have seven valid addresses on file for me. As far as I know, they did no investigation whatsoever with regards to my employer, or my status with the company. Which you would think would be part of that process.
3. No direction for recourse.
   The link provided was generic, and has no guidance at all for my situation. Apparently, I am to blindly re-apply.
4. No specificity.
   This might be the most subtle to the outside observer, but as the recipient of the email it caused me to scratch my head. Exactly which Page is at issue here? I know people who have multiple clients and assist non-profits with Pages. I help a couple of people with their presence online, and the only reason I know this is related to the Alabama Power is that’s the only page about which I inquired. Go back and read that email. I assure you there is nothing in the header nor in the body of the reply that indicates what is being denied. (And since it’s being sent back to an address I never use for sending, it’s not that simple either.)

Minor Victories

Take this headache about one Community Page, and multiply it by the several auto-generated pages that exist for our company. After three volleys of evidence and arbitrary pleading, one of my colleagues managed to land the Place Page for our corporate headquarters. A cause for celebration, until you realize that we have nearly 90 business offices across the state, and every time an employee “checks in” to work from his iPhone or Android, new locations emerge with no caretaker.

If you’re more than just a coffee shop, it will take a lot of effort to truly own your brand on Facebook.

It’s Mark’s World Now

Unfortunately, that’s the price we pay for “Free.” We will pay the price, but we will not count the cost.

I have it on good authority that Facebook’s customer service is very responsive and accommodating.

If you spend $50,000 per month in advertising with them.

Otherwise, you’re just another snot-nosed kid on Mark’s playground, just getting tossed around because your lunch money isn’t worth his effort for the shakedown. But you can’t leave the playground and go home, because that’s where all the kids are these days.

I am not a person to Facebook. I am merely a number.

He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead…

Revelation: 13:16

Bonus:

My first rant about Facebook Community Pages, from April 2010: