The Greatest Internet Ad Ever

Posted on December 2, 2020 Written by Leave a Comment

…is the one that pulls you in to enjoy every morsel.

Will it sell product? Who knows? Who cares? As long as it isn’t a pain in the neck.

This is the Intelligent Portable Flexible Massager. It might as well be Beats by Dre, but who knows?
Oh, wait. I got that wrong. It’s the Intelligent Flexible Neck Massager. But as you will see, the exact placement of words doesn’t really provide any structure to this advertising salad.
“Air Sac Neck Guard Fit“ sounds like a military strike force physical training regimen. “Sir yes Sir! I’m gonna be Air Sac Neck Guard Fit!” And good to know that it can touch the skin in the burden-free manner to which I’ve become accustomed.
Wait… if the ring traction increases, won’t that increase the burden? Also, if it is “one-click start, easy to operate,” then why does the remote control have four buttons? ? At least we can appreciate the ergonomic neck curve…
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF MUTANT HAS A NECK THAT FITS THAT DEVICE!?!
Honestly, if your neck is shaped like that, it’s hard to figure out what *is* comfortable to wear. And the color in this photo makes it look more like a robotic artificial octopus tentacle.
“You are getting very sleeeeeeeeeepy”
I would like to know how many one-star reviews it got from people who tried to use it without first taking it out of the box. Or failing to wet their neck afore using it.
Sorry, but for guys my age, “leakage protection” is an entirely different thing. However, I am pleased to see the manufacturer taking seriously the need to extend protection to the neck of the ballon.
Scalping, cupping, tapping, acupuncture… WHERE THE HELL ARE THE NEEDLES DO THEY JUST POP OUT LIKE WOLVERINE’S CLAWS AND AMBUSH YOU?!?
To be fair, the needles are probably less of a danger than the 42° lightning that jolts you from the tentacle suckers. (Please tell me that’s Celsius)
Oh, thank God.
Are the robot tentacle suckers strong enough to attach to my waist? And am I secretly a little disappointed that it wasn’t spelled “waste?”
Apparently, if you are a blue-collar laborer, this device really does nothing for you.

To be honest, that last panel reads more like a bad translation from some post-Soviet Slavic language:

WARNING: Not an actual language.
You probably won’t be disappointed, as it comes in white, pink, and menacing-octopus red.
“Thigh massage — Stay away from muscle legs.” Again, sounds best when channeled by one of the Festrunk brothers.
The only kind of Strength I identify with is “Old Man Strength.” Also, “Seven hours, perpetually.” That’s like “Guaranteed to always work, a full 15 percent of the time!”
Well, I for one feel a lot better that the claim of “Perspicacious” is being backed up by (checks notes) a verified quality of perspicacity. Also, does it take 15 minutes to boot up? Is it running Windows 95?

Side note: Producer Hugh Padgham’s greatest contribution to The Police was convincing Sting to change the title of the song from “Perspicacity” to “Synchronicity.”

“Class, your assignment today is to use the following vocabulary words in a paragraph: assuagement, quandaries, neurasthenia, recollection, and salubrious.”
Beware the man who offers sultry cupping, as it may just be a ploy for manipulation. (And don’t forget to use today’s vocabulary words.)
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